Diversion of the Escort Express
by Ififall
Summary: Jeff's stuck in a rut and Russell has an idea to shake him out of it.


" I really, _really_ enjoyed tonight" Stacey said as she ran her hand through Russell's hair. He enjoyed the gentle tickle of her fingers but her hands smelt of gin, he made a note to himself to keep the gin in the class and in the girl next time. He didn't want his expensive liquor splashed on the floor, otherwise he wouldn't get his next lay until thanksgiving and Russell couldn't wait that long.

"You'll enjoy the morning too" Russell said snuggling up to Stacey pressing his lips up against her nose. "Great, what breakfast are you cooking for me?" Stacey asked as she pinched his cheeks. He wished she'd stop doing that, it made him feel about five and Russell wasn't in the mood for "Naughty Schoolboy roleplay" He'd already done that last week with a Russian chick called Iniaska and to this day still got a pain in his butt whenever he used the toilet.

"I mean breakfast _alone_ Stace, I'm busy man in the dog eat dog world of Corporate Finance and...all that money throwing us Corporate guys do" "You're kicking me out?" Stacey asked her voice getting squeakier. "Seriously?" "Oh come on, you go now I'll treat you tomorrow to lunch...I'll get you those diet pills you had dibs on just before you gave in to Dunbars Delights" Stacey pulled her hair away from her face and looked down at her flat stomach underneath the covers before speaking. "OK, see you at lunch" Russell watched her change while pretending to read a clean magazine. Her kissed her on the cheek while itching at his groin with his free hand.

Russell took off his robe ready to try the new "Honey and Apricot" Shower gel that he'd seen that hot "Desperate housewife" talk about on the view. Yes it was made for women but Russell had looked it up and the website said that it really "Opened the pores" and was a "Syrup of youth" so Russell bought ten bottles at seperate times of course, he wasn't a loser.

Before he could take another step Russell heard a knock at the door and ran to it, thinking it was Stacey. "I knew it, I can go on Stacey I've got a motion in my..." He opened the door to see Jeff in a casual jacket T-shirt and shorts. "If any of your "motion" touches me, the next "motion" you'll feel is the hospital guerney" Jeff said avoiding looking down at Russell's robe.

"So...is it typed yet?" Jeff asked. Good evening Godzilla, how was the return from Tokyo?" Russell asked. "Dammit" He thought. One of Russell's flings had promised Audrey a reference so she could get in touch with a make-up artist who knows a powder sniffing, coffee and whipped cream slurpping anorexic hip celebrity chick and Audrey wanted the anorexic chick for a interview and snap-shots of her house.

"That's our Audrey, never one to get too personal" Russell said with a smile. "Timmy's on it, you should see him Bruce Banner, I've really whipped that kid into shape" "Moving onto male secretaries, can't say I'm surprised, just give me Audrey's rough draft and I'll be on my way" Jeff said. "Hulk, you'll never fit in the door, petite blondes and tall models with bouncy racks only" Russell said. Jeff peaked his head in the room and looked at the sport on his TV. "God, you'd think that plyers would be the last pleasure tool in porn" "Where?" Russell said as Jeff pushed him aside and entered his apartment.

"Sorry about the mess" Russell said looking at the table with glasses full of alcohol. "Stace was throwing me around like a rag doll" "You look like a neutered one, so I can believe that" Jeff said helping himself to a drink. "Little sips, I plan on meeting Stace for lunch and I don't need your trunk sucking up my plan A,B,E,I and Z" Russell said.

"It's nice to know that Daddy's scholarship didn't go to waste on you" Jeff said as he sat down on the couch. "So...where's Aud? Sitting at laptop on my website thinking of me?" Russell asked fiddling with his robe. "I don't think she's thought of you" Jeff said. "She hasn't slit her wrists in our tub" "Funny" Russell teased.

"Wouldn't it be funny if Audrey left you? I mean no-one would be surprised Loch-ness, being married to you must be like a funeral that never ends" Russell said reached for the wine, but Jeff picked it up and poured it into his own glass. "You ever though about your funeral?" Jeff asked Russell, looking at the TV. "With your favourite hookers away pulling tricks, who's gonna write the Eulogy?"

"Unlike you and your noose, sorry..."wife" I'm built to last...I'm in my prime" Russell said as he got up and walked to the shower. "You're the same height as a ten year old but that doesn't make you look twenty" Jeff shouted from the sofa. He looked around for the bottle opener and couldn't see it anywhere.

He put his drink down, heaved himself off the sofa and walked toward's Russell's bathroom knocking on the door. "Tiny Tim, where's the opener?" He shouted. Russell couldn't hear him, the Honey Apricot scrub was doing wonders. He rubbed the flannel on the lower part of his back and grinned. "Tinkersmell, the bottle opener" Jeff said as Russell turned around to see Jeff looming over him.

"Ahh...Jesus-Fuck" Russell whined. "Can't your paws knock? God" Russell said as he turned the water higher and rubbed the soap off with his flannel. He looked on the rail to see his towel gone. Jeff lifted the towel up and swung it around out of Russell's reach. "I think I'm gonna use this as a napkin" Jeff said tucking his towel into his T-shirt.

"May as well now it's clean" "Hey!" Russell said following Jeff and covering his modesty with one hand and chasing him to the living room. "Op-pen-ner" Jeff bellowed pointing at the wine. "Under the table? On the carpet? Now gimme" Russell asked jumping for the towel, but Jeff turned away and moved the table. "Ahh" Jeff said, reached and grabbing a cold steel instrument. "Oh wait, don't touch that" Russell warned. "Ewww!" Jeff said as the towel dropped and Russell scrambled to pick up his towel. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm changing in my panty laden master bedroom"

"Don't try all the panties on at once, Rushelia" Jeff said as he went to the kitchen to get a clean wine glass. Russell had a lot of TV channels but they were all shitty or just plain dirty. Jeff would have been excited, but was put off by the grandma porn. He got up wondering around the apartment and decided to scare Russell again.

He peaked through the door to see Russell in front of the mirror holding his stomach in. "Rusophie, you've got a beer gut, let it all hang out" "Just because Audrey "settles for less" why should my women?" Russell asked. "Cause you pay them to" Jeff said. "Honestly grizzly, how much action do you get?" Russell asked buttoning up his shirt.

"Next to nothing, we both know it" "At least Audrey's free" "Yeah...but is she any good?" Russell asked as walked over to Jeff and brushed his hand against his shorts. Jeff didn't know if he was trying to freak him out. "I'm not into the freakishly short" Jeff said. "Dumbo, you don't _know_ what you're into" Russell said as he walked away to brush his hair.

Jeff sniffed the air and walked towards him wine glass in hand. "What's that smell?" "Aftershave" Russell lied. Jeff raised his eyebrows. "You don't love women, do you Rustina, you wanna be one" "OK you got me" Russell said. "It's the new herbal gel of Honey and Apricot it heals, it moisturises..." Russell was silenced when Jeff pulled Russell by his shirt leaning down and roughly kissing him.

Russell moved quickly on to the bed and kept his shirt on, Russell could feel Jeff's hand in his hair and took it out and put it on his waist. They made out for twenty minutes before Russell put his hand in Jeff shorts. Jeff awakened, pushing Russell away from him as if he'd had a bad dream.

"Making out? That's so kindergarden, come here" Russell said patting the bed.

"No...there's so much deadly bacteria in here I don't wanna be quarantined" Jeff said.

"I've got gloves...leather plastic, spandex..."

Jeff closed his eyes for a second and walked out without a word. He was a little drunk, Russell was teasing him, so he experimented a little. There was nothing wrong with that. It wasn't like he'd ever go all the way. He was married and Russell was icky in the dirtiest way possible. That damn shower gel seduced him, if any one found out, he'd blame the gel and sue the company. He went out for a walk and then came back with a chocolate bar for Audrey.

"Just thinking of you like always"

"Mmmm...what have you done?" Audrey asked. "Tell me over dinner, I tried my hand at a spinach and squid paella. Exotic huh?" She asked leaning over to hug him.

"Yummy" Jeff lied as he rubbed her back.

"Wow have you really been running? Unsually you smell great" Audrey said leaning further into his chest and giving him a sniff.

_Oh God. Jeff was now forever tainted. Russell was literally on him. _


End file.
